Why is Foreplay So Important?
What is foreplay?
Remember all the sexy eye-smooching (and real smooching) from Goliyon ki Raas Leela Ram Leela? Shirtless Ryan Gosling using the Dirty Dancing lift to seduce Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid, Love? The slow burn of an Austen romance or the sizzle of a hesitant embrace?
Foreplay, or for most womxn “the entire point of sex,” is the stuff you do before intercourse. Flirting, kissing, back massages, showering together, sexting, witty repartee, neck smooches, spooning — are just a few examples. It can even be taking a salsa class together or sharing each other’s fantasies in details. Whatever happens before and between the big lollapaloozas of penetrative sex, comes under the umbrella of foreplay.
What is foreplay? Where have we heard of it before?
The sexual revolution has arrived in India (for quite some time) — there’s a condom ad every five minutes on the telly and creative freedoms on OTT platforms mean there are more real portrayals of sex than ever before. Yet one could argue, as pervasive as sex has become in society, portrayals inordinately focus on the pleasures of men and fail to adequately represent the sexual wants of women. Beyond scant scenes, recent moments in Alankrita Srivastava’s Lipstick Under My Burkha and Karan Johar’s short in Lust Stories come to mind, female desire is relatively unexplored in popular culture, and in our education systems. Which means that both women and men are left rather confused on some key concepts. Whether it’s masturbation or phone sex, foreplay is an essential, oft ignored part of sex, especially for women, and it’s one that deserves our attention.
Why is foreplay important?
It isn’t just to make a woman feel nice — even though that should be reason enough. Foreplay is important for biological, psychological, and emotional reasons. It just makes sex a pleasurable experience for everyone involved, yes also men, y’all. The purpose of foreplay is to add to sexual excitement, and, especially for women, to help prepare the body for intercourse. Jumping right into P-in-V without anything leading up to it can feel any combination of boring, uncomfortable, or even painful. Inadequate sexual foreplay is a major cause of arousal disorder in women. Even a quickie should be preceded with some kind of lead-up for it to be fun for both parties involved.
Proceptive behavior is the scientific term describing courtship, flirting, seduction, and foreplay in humans. To be effective, foreplay requires open expression of emotions and consideration of place, pace, and style. Several means of arousing one’s partner can be utilized during foreplay, but how long it happens has a big impact on women’s pleasure. According to a survey Vitamin Stree conducted in 2019, more than 40% of the men who responded equated bad sex to no foreplay and over 52% of the women equated bad sex to pain.
Foreplay creates lubrication in the vagina, which is essential to comfortable intercourse. During foreplay, women are aroused resulting in increased blood flow (your body might flush and your nipples become erect), nerve stimulation (including of the clitoris and the labial nerve), and the surrounding tissue starts to swell and relax. The heart starts pumping faster, causing an increase in blood pressure and breathing. Feelings of emotional closeness help initiate and maintain the woman’s arousal response. The result is vaginal fullness, clitoral erection, labial fullness, and lubrication. (TW: sexual assault) A history of unresolved sexual trauma, violence, coercion, abuse, or rape can make it difficult or impossible for some women to engage in and enjoy foreplay or experience arousal, although they may still lubricate.
Foreplay and women’s pleasure, aka the secret to the Big O
“But foreplay takes so much time!” Well, it’s supposed to.
Foreplay helps the clitoris fulfill its “O” so important role. If you’re a woman, the road to an orgasm is paved with good foreplay. Especially if you have a vagina. And it’s not just us saying that, even doctors think so. According to Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a psychosexual therapist at New York University, “[The vagina] has the same characteristics as the penis. Blood flows into the clitoris, and in order for a woman to have an orgasm, there must be lubrication in the vagina, but also the clitoris must get erect.” Stimulation is the key to achieving pleasure.
How long a duration foreplay happens also has a big impact on women’s pleasure. In one study, foreplay of married couples for 1–10 min led to 40% of the wives having orgasm during coitus. This percentage rose to 50% with 12–20 min of foreplay and to 60% with greater than 20 min of foreplay. Westheimer explains, “It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time [than a man] to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm.” A 2015 study found that only 46% of women said that they always or nearly always had an orgasm when having intercourse. Curiously, the same study found only 38% of women aged 18–24 ‘usually’ had an orgasm in love-making — lower than the general female population. It’s intriguing that women might be now experiencing greater, not fewer, problems regarding orgasms as compared to past decades, even though the opportunities for gender equality and sexual enjoyment in society now seem to be better than ever before.
Why are some men afraid of foreplay?
Remember that Friends episode when Monica explains the seven erogenous zones to Chandler? If women are timid to communicate their desires regarding foreplay, some men might not know enough or be too afraid to engage at all. “Most men are hung up on the fear of losing their erection,” according to Mark Epstein, MD, a psychiatrist and author of Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life. “It dominates their mind during the act of sex. They’re really preoccupied with themselves, or they are in some kind of dance with themselves.”
If men are worried about losing their erection, they often skip the appetizers and rush to intercourse. It’s as though the act of sex is a performance and they will be judged on the quality and longevity of their erection. “I think it’s fair to say men are still afraid of women’s bodies,” says Epstein. Clearly the male exploration of female sexuality can be worked on. But it isn’t entirely their fault. How many quickie sex scenes (on a plane? against a kitchen table?) are in movies and TV shows? Rarely do they show a woman’s disappointed face afterwards. Not great for ratings. But if pop culture is lacking, couples must fill the knowledge gaps themselves. It’s important for sexual partners to engage in honest and open conversations about sex.
So what is good foreplay? Opinions differ, but there is consensus on one thing. It’s not just a pre-sex requirement that you fill before getting to the “main event.” Foreplay, is as main, as the sex. According to sexpert Layla Martin, the best kind of foreplay is playful. She says, “If you are touching or seducing your partner and you’re thinking, ‘I’m just doing this so we can have sex,’ she’s going to feel that. It’s not going to be sexy, and can even shut her down.”
As long as consent is involved, there’s no right or wrong way when it comes to foreplay. If oral sex is the main attraction, for example, then the touching and rubbing that lead up to it will provide the arousal you may need beforehand. Any activity that gets a person “aroused enough to have fun with the other stuff” is foreplay. In the end, more foreplay, means more sex — and that isn’t something to be upset about.
