Does Your Sex Decide How Much You Orgasm?

Do you experience the big O frequently during sex? Do you receive as much pleasure as you give in bed? Do you know what makes you feel sexually satisfied?

If not, chances are that you’re experiencing Orgasm Inequality, otherwise known as the Orgasm Gap!

Most Indian women are dissatisfied with their sexual lives. According to the Global Sex Survey conducted by Durex in 2017, nearly 70% of women in India don’t orgasm every time they have sex. Such is also the case for most heterosexual women around the world!

What is The Orgasm Gap?

An orgasm or ‘Charam Sukh’, as Meera from Veere Di Wedding puts it, is the feeling of intense pleasure during a sexual activity. In the case of women, when the vagina or clitoris is aroused, the blood rushes to the genitals. In consequence, the muscles in the vagina contract or spasm, resulting in an intense release of endorphins a.k.a. PLEASURE!

And that’s not all. While men need rests between orgasms, women can orgasm 20 times in a row!

Despite that, according to a 2016 US survey, 95% men orgasm during sex as opposed to only 65% women. It is this difference in pleasure that is referred to as the Orgasm Gap!

So, Why the disparity?

#1 The mis(ter)-representation of orgasms in porn

In India, porn is widely consumed with almost 85% men and 71% women reportedly watching porn regularly. It is among the first introductions to sex for most Indian men and women. Overall, 3 in 4 people in the world watch porn on their mobiles. Here’s what is distressing about this:

1. Sex educator Victoria Beltrans mentions that porn tends to focus on the male experience of pleasure alone. This is cushioned by the popular belief that men are naturally oriented toward sex and women aren’t. (Cue WAP by Cardi B, PLEASE!). Because of porn, some men view their women partner during sex as a giver of pleasure, and not a receiver. And women who view straight porn also end up believing the same thing!
2. In the words of author Laura Mintz, mainstream media, movies, and porn have taught us that sex = penis + vagina, and everything else is just secondary. Standard penetration is how MEN most reliably achieve orgasm. The problem is, women DON’T orgasm this way! Instead, Mintz suggests that women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. A survey indicates that 45% women reported an orgasm when a man strokes the clit. The number is even higher (95%) when women do it themselves!

#2 Society, sex, sharam and sanskaar

It’s not just porn that misunderstands women’s pleasure. Our social and cultural context also believes that vaginal sex is the only sex that counts. (Note to them: Lesbian women report having an orgasm 75% of the time that they engage in sexual activities with their partner.)

Add to that society’s preference for a man’s pleasure over a woman’s, and the big O only goes further away from us. For instance, during sex ed at school, while women are warned about STIs and unwanted pregnancies, men are informed about ejaculation and masturbation. Such is also the case when it comes to sexual products. Where condoms are advertised more popularly, lubricants for women are left behind.

Plus, sex is seen as an obligation for women in society. So much so, that many women grow up to believe that their purpose is to provide sexual satisfaction to the man! In fact, in a survey conducted by Vitamin Stree, it was found that 38% women faked an orgasm 50% of the time. Why? A. Their partner had finished and they didn’t want to make it awkward B. Pop culture and porn depicts orgasms that way.

What’s more? 20% women don’t share their sexual fantasies with their partner.

#3 Not understanding our own bodies

Put your hand up if you don’t know where your clitoris is (or what it is).

Don’t worry, you are not alone. A study from University of Wisconsin-Madison found that almost 30% of college-age women can’t identify their clitoris on an anatomy test.

What’s more? Another survey by Eve Appeal, a cancer foundation, spotted that women are more familiar with men’s bodies than their own. While 60% could correctly label a diagram of the male body, just 35% of women correctly labeled the female one. (Men scored even worse!)

#4 The G-spot myth

Here’s another mystery of female anatomy: the infamous G-spot. Where is it, how do we hit it and what does it do? Researchers say: nothing! Because it doesn’t exist. Terence M. Himes noted in his study that there is not enough scientific evidence that confirms a G-spot, which is a highly sensitive mass of tissues, in the vagina. He goes on to discuss how the consequences go beyond just just anatomic interest.

According to the Cosmo survey, 11% women avoid sex because they can’t find their G-spot and 44% admit to feeling frustrated about it!

Mintz explains, according to myths, orgasms from vaginal penetration (a.k.a. the ‘G spot’) are better. The reality? It’s all about the humble, yet ignored clitoris — be it by way of oral sex, stroking, masturbation, vaginal sex or even using sex toys such as dildos or suction vibrators.

How Do We, Um, Close the Orgasm Gap?

#1 Better sex education at home and schools

In a survey, Dutch girls were asked about their early experience of sex. Surprisingly, they had fewer negative consequences on their mind like disease, pregnancy and regret. Instead, they focused on the positives: being able to communicate with their partner, being responsible and enjoying themselves!

Their secret? Their doctors, teachers and parents talked to them candidly, from an early age, about sex, pleasure and mutual trust.

In India, however, the survey by Vitamin Stree revealed that 20% of women are afraid to go to the doctor to examine their sexual health. Why? The fear of their family finding out. Even when it came to learning about sex, the primary sources were peers and porn; and not family members since sex is still a taboo in our households.

So be it with your family or friends, have positive discussions about sex that stem from genuine curiosity and not fear.

#2 Communicate with your partner

Know the saying ‘you have not, because you ask not’? Well that applies to sex, too.

Researchers MacNeil and Byers suggest that communication helps promote behaviours that increase the likelihood of having an orgasm. So whether you’re into oral sex, manual stimulation or have other kinks, be open and direct with your partner. After all, there’s no reason you shouldn’t enjoy sex as much as he does!

#3 Explore your body

A study by Eugenia Cherkasskaya of the City University of New York, found that women who had positive genital body image were more likely to experience arousal, orgasm and less sexual pain. So, once in a while, take Sheila’s advice (see: ‘Kisi aur ki mujhko zarurat kya, main toh khudse pyaar ladau) and explore your body to really understand what you enjoy!

#4 Try new things in bed

If your normal sex routine makes you go O, then great! If not: it’s time to ‘sexperiment’!

In a survey of Australian women by Richters, de Visser, Rissel, & Smith, it was found that, of the women who had only vaginal sex, only 50% reported an orgasm. Whereas of those who had vaginal sex with manual stimulation, 73% reported orgasm.

The numbers were even higher for women who had vaginal sex, manual stimulation AND oral sex! A whopping 86%!

So when in bed, say: aaj kuch naya try karte hain.

In the end remember that sex is meant to be enjoyed — by both partners. So communicate, explore and understand what makes you feel sexually satisfied!

So, along with the wage gap and the confidence gap, let’s come together to close the Orgasm Gap!